Emotional Wealth

Raising children is sacred work. It was validating to hear the US Surgeon General’s warning about the hazards of parenting and his recommendation for a “fundamental shift to the way we value and prioritize the well-being of parents.”

While he hopefully works toward changes at the structural level, there are things parents can do RIGHT NOW to support their own well-being. I’d like to help parents give themselves permission to prioritize their own emotional health. This doesn’t mean adding yoga and meditation to an already overwhelming list of things to do. This means taking things off the list — such as guilt, self-criticism, perfectionism, denial of their needs…the list can go on and on!

We’re all familiar with the importance of not drinking or smoking during pregnancy to protect the baby, right? Prenatal health focuses mostly on physical well-being, but a parent’s emotional health is just as crucial for a child’s development.

We need more messages (besides on the airplane!) that supports taking care of ourselves before helping others. This especially applies to parents.

A parent’s emotional health supports a child’s emotional wealth

We all lose our temper sometimes — it's part of being human. But when we’re constantly triggered by certain situations, it’s time to dig a little deeper.

For example, maybe you’re the type of parent who prides themselves on being on time, but the morning chaos of getting the kids out the door leaves you feeling exhausted and resentful. The result? A tense, silent car ride or snapping at the kids.

Or perhaps you’re hosting a dinner party and have super high expectations for how it’ll go. Then, just as you're about to finish prepping, your kid dumps a pile of Legos on the kitchen floor. Cue the explosion!

I can personally relate to that second example. Growing up, my mom was obsessed with having a “picture-perfect” home. With three young kids, she’d get super anxious about having guests over. Naturally, my siblings and I picked up on her stress. Without the emotional tools to deal with it, some of us acted out with tantrums, while others just shut down and focused on keeping the peace by ignoring our own needs.

When these patterns happen over and over again, the message kids internalize is:

"Your needs don’t matter."

Fast forward to when I became a mom myself. Without realizing it, I started prioritizing the way my house looked over my kids' emotional needs. That’s how intergenerational trauma gets passed down. I had this distorted idea that if my house wasn’t perfect, there was something wrong with me. But the key to breaking that cycle was learning that my worth wasn’t tied to how clean my house was or how well-behaved my kids were. Therapy helped me understand what all kids deserve to start life with – we are worthy of love no matter what. 

The best way to show kids that they are worthy of love is to tune into life through their eyes, accept all parts of them (especially the more challenging ones), and let them know that you love them for who they are, not what they do. Essentially, be the mirror that you want your kids to see themselves through.

When we, as parents, slow down and help our kids navigate their big emotions, we show them how to be kind and accepting toward themselves. But we can’t do that unless we’ve first learned to be compassionate with our own big feelings.

So, here’s a little self-check for you. Are you beating yourself up over past mistakes? It’s easy, especially for parents, to fall into that trap. But, you have a choice: you can either stay stuck in the cycle of self-blame or you can start doing things differently.

break the cycle with self-compassion  

When we feel triggered, we need to slow down. Pause, be gentle, and get curious about what’s fueling the reaction. This actually taps our higher-level brain at the time we need it the most.

On the flip side, it’s not natural for many of us to slow down and be kind to ourselves when under stress. In fact, we do the opposite! The nervous system and mind rev up automatically in response to a perceived threat — that is not something we can just talk ourselves out of. But if we start with self-compassion (even if it feels awkward at first), it can bring some calm.

“This is hard”

“It’s okay if I messed up. I’m human”

Change happens at the body level

However, if you regularly experience strong reactions to seemingly small events (and then get down on yourself for having them), a complex trauma therapist can help. Your reactions aren’t just in your head, they at a body level. Working with a therapist who is trained in “bottom up” (body-based sensations), “top down” (cognitive perception), and relational healing can support you in shifting this dynamic, which can often bring greater internal peace and ease. We could all use a little more ease these days, especially parents who have arguably the hardest job around.